I started dating this year, and I was only attracted to black guys. I never really liked the white guys because I never thought they had the "lil spark" in them that I wanted. My first serious and very intimate boyfriend for four months was black. First, some background: I must tell you that my mother is extremely against interracial dating. In fact, after this experience, I found out that half of my family is.
Anyway, I started talking to this boy who was three years older than me, and he was black. He was the sweetest and cutest thing I had ever met. Of course, he had that "lil spark." I talked to him for three months on the phone, and I'd see him on weekends. My mom knew I talked to him, but at first she didn't know his color. She really liked him and she'd joke around with him on the phone. She always said that he was a sweet gentleman.
That was her first impression, of course. Then she found out that he was black. She was really upset with me because I lied to her about his color. But, after a while, she seemed like she didn't really mind. She still let me talk to him and everything, but that was because I told her that we were friends and nothing else.
I started going out with him three months later, after we had a really good friendship. I hid so much from my mother. I went to see him every weekend and practically every time I had a chance to. My mom worked the second shift, so she wasn't home after school. I'd have him come over whenever he could and we had some really intense, passionate moments. Actually, I mean hours. He was my whole world. I fought over him with other girls, I lied to my parents about him, and I fell in love. Before I started talking to him, I vowed that that I would not fall in love because I was too young. He changed my beliefs totally. I talked to him every night for three hours or more for seven months straight.
At some point in our relationship, he had to go on vacation out of town for a month. We stayed together and talked to each other LONG DISTANCE every night too. But I was usually the one paying for these phone calls. Everything seemed fine and dandy until he came home and broke up with me two weeks later.
My mother found out about everything. She was totally disgusted with me. I didn't understand what was wrong with what I was doing. I never thought love would have such a terrible punishment. My mother practically disowned me. We lost all communication, so I made a lot of decisions on my own. I decided to be a major troublemaker. I snuck out a lot to be in the same room as this guy and because he was always at this particular hang out. One night I got caught and my mother kicked me out of the house . . . I will never forget what she called me. She called me a "lying whore" and a "nigger lover." The second one has always gotten me upset, but I've learned to accept it because I am an African-American lover.
So I went to live with my aunt, which I really didn't want to do because I'd be miles away from my ex. I was still deeply in love with him. I came back from my aunt's house in a week because I thought that my mom and I could work things out. My mom said we could, so we started counseling. Now we have a much better relationship, but there's a problem: I'm still attracted to black guys. I can't change. I've tried to check out white guys, but it doesn't work. My mom always tells me that I can do whatever I want after I'm 18, so I won't have to worry after that. But I still have the problem of my attraction.
I feel that nobody can change what I like, and I'm proud of who I am. One thing that my mom and dad said always got to me, "Interracial dating isn't correct in society." It made me feel like my mom and dad cared more about their reputation than they did about my feelings. I say that you should love who you want, care for who you want, live how you want, and feel what you want. Those are deep inside feelings, and nobody can change them. We're not Barbies inside that you can dress up and change. We are real people. Each individual has their own appearance inside and nobody can change them.